A new show for empty theatres.

I have not been operating within the guidelines and I have not been guided by the science and I have not come out the other side stronger or wiser or better for the experience. I didn’t eat out to help out and I didn’t become a parent and I have not made use of a reciprocal travel corridor. I haven’t moved out of London and I haven’t volunteered for anything and I haven’t attended a socially distanced outdoor performance of Educating Rita. I didn’t keep going to work and I didn’t work remotely and I did not use this time to work on my physique. I haven’t done laps of my garden and I haven’t put myself in harms way and I have done nothing to support the British hospitality industry. I did not miss out on medical treatment. I did not learn a language. I did not postpone a wedding. I did not book a staycation in Cornwall or the Lakes or somewhere on the Kent coast. I didn’t march and I didn’t go swimming and I didn’t get tested and I did not “read more”. I’ve not been on a boat. I’ve not been shielding, I’ve not been struggling with childcare, I’ve not been playing football on Tuesdays, I’ve not been killed and I’ve not been attending gatherings of up to six households. I haven’t lost my job, I haven’t attended a funeral, I haven’t used a foodbank and I haven’t touched my parents since Christmas.

Daniel Kitson presents his account of six ridiculous and devastating months, experienced largely from a safe distance, almost immediately misremembered and retold here so inaccurately as to be, very nearly fictional. Conceived and written specifically to be performed in and streamed from empty theatres with audience capacity limited to that of each venue, this will hopefully be a lot more fun than it sounds.

A couple of important things. Firstly, please buy one ticket per person rather than, per household – the show is still being written and may develop in a direction where it is best experienced individually on individual devices. Secondly, the way this will work is that you’ll receive an email upon booking to confirm your tickets, and then, on the day of the show, an hour before the performance, you’ll receive a second email containing a link to the stream and a password alongside some technical advice, should you need it. You go to the link, you enter the password and that’s it.

This is an ONLINE performance, streamed live from the Union Chapel, with ticket capacity limited to that of the Chapel.